Arranged Marriage thank Goodness!

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yamcha
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Arranged Marriage thank Goodness!

Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 00:20

My parents have set up an arranged marriage for me and I get to meet/see my future husband and his parents for the first time this weekend! I'm so excited!

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Post by pokute » Feb 3rd, '07, 00:34

TROLL!

Carbon Dixoide
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lol

Post by Carbon Dixoide » Feb 3rd, '07, 00:38

i think arranged marriages suck... cause u don't realli 'love' the person u're married to...and that can create a lot of troubles and pain....

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yamcha
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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 00:44

Why would you say something like that? How would you know? My parent's marriage was also arranged and they are still together and they love each other a lot. Conventional methods of meeting people are based on the improbability of discovering commonality during a random encounter. That typical approach to relationships, by which people first meet, then decide to date, and finally compromise for mutual dissatisfaction so they can make a relationship "work", was flawed because it was built backwards.

You should think before you talk.
Last edited by yamcha on Feb 3rd, '07, 00:47, edited 1 time in total.

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JKH
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Post by JKH » Feb 3rd, '07, 00:46

Wow! I haven't heard a lot about arranged marriages in this modern day, although I know that they still exist. Can I ask you some cultural questions? You don't have to answer, but I'm so curious!
Are you living in America? Is your family super traditional (Chinese, Indian, etc)? Why did you agree to an arranged marriage? What do you feel the benefits are?
There are so many mixed opinions about arranged marriage, I've heard good and bad, but mostly bad. So please enlighten me! ^^
But regardless, good luck! I hope that things work out the way that you want them to!

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Post by pokute » Feb 3rd, '07, 00:46

See? You fell for it... And you're totally outclassed. Think before you feed the troll next time.

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Post by Corona » Feb 3rd, '07, 00:50

yamcha wrote:

You should think before you talk.
Rofl :alcoholic:

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yamcha
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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 00:53

JKH wrote:Wow! I haven't heard a lot about arranged marriages in this modern day, although I know that they still exist. Can I ask you some cultural questions? You don't have to answer, but I'm so curious!
Are you living in America? Is your family super traditional (Chinese, Indian, etc)? Why did you agree to an arranged marriage? What do you feel the benefits are?
There are so many mixed opinions about arranged marriage, I've heard good and bad, but mostly bad. So please enlighten me! ^^
But regardless, good luck! I hope that things work out the way that you want them to!
Well there are many good things about it. If you were a mother would you rather you son randomly meet some girl at a bar or club who is pretty but has no education, who is up to her ear in deb, whose father is in jail and mother runs a illegal massage place. Or would you rather set up your son with someone whose family background is agreeable with yours and has a proper education and propper values? A girl who will be respectful to you and your husband and will raise your grand children properly.

Love is important too. And it makes sense to me that two people from similar backgrounds would have more things in common, thus making life together more happy. That's what I consider love. More important is conversation. If you look back on any long lasting relationship you will see that most of it was spent in conversation.

I am Chinese from HK and my family is more or less typical.
Last edited by yamcha on Feb 3rd, '07, 00:59, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by AboutDrama » Feb 3rd, '07, 00:57

My parents have set up an arranged marriage for me and I get to meet/see my future husband and his parents for the first time this weekend! I'm so excited!
Wow... interesting. I heard about arrange marriage a lot actually from friends from India.
After u meet him, do you have to agree in marrying him right away? Or you can meet a few first right?

You remind me of a J-drama called "Omiai Kekkon." Very nice drama and to see another perspective of relationship.
I think arrange marriage can work too.

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Post by nikochanr3 » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:02

Sigh, troll. NOt even interesting troll. You need to be more confrontational.

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yamcha
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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:03

AboutDrama wrote:
Wow... interesting. I heard about arrange marriage a lot actually from friends from India.
After u meet him, do you have to agree in marrying him right away? Or you can meet a few first right?

You remind me of a J-drama called "Omiai Kekkon." Very nice drama and to see another perspective of relationship.
I think arrange marriage can work too.

I don't klnow how they do it in India or other cultures but a typical arranged Chinese marraige doesn't really have any kind of acceptance meeting. The meet that we will have this weekend is really just to formalize things. It's not really that important for me to even be there but I want to be polite too.

I will look for that torrent.
Last edited by yamcha on Feb 3rd, '07, 01:04, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by freezspirit » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:03

Sorry if this sounds a bit stupid Is the arranged marriage meeting, to see if you like him to start dating with the intention of marriage or has the marriage been agreed by both sets of parents and its a meeting for you both to meet to see if you like him, so like, your final approval..

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:06

I have already accepted. Our parents have already approved. It's a good thing. My parents are wise and have always choosen what is healthy and best for me and the family, so why would it be different now?

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Post by AboutDrama » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:11

Sorry if this sounds a bit stupid Is the arranged marriage meeting, to see if you like him to start dating with the intention of marriage or has the marriage been agreed by both sets of parents and its a meeting for you both to meet to see if you like him, so like, your final approval..
Sometime in Chinese culture, the elders have "see"the life of two person, if match, most likely the marriage will be a good one. Means that the couple can get a long each other well, peaceful and compatible... Hard to explain this kind of things...

Anyways, if you don't believe that is fine. Nothing big deal here.

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Re: lol

Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:15

Carbon Dixoide wrote:i think arranged marriages suck... cause u don't realli 'love' the person u're married to...and that can create a lot of troubles and pain....
Your opinion kind of hurts me so I would like to address what you said again. My parent's criteria for choosing a husband for me is not just based on family background and education but also on my happiness. My parent highly havue such things as love and romance and in choosing a son in law they will first look at his personality, to see if it could be compatible with mine or not.

When two people desire nothing more than to please the other in thoughtful, caring ways, this fuels a feedback cycle that increasingly gains energy and grows. Thus from a spark which casts a light of possibility blossoms a sustainable landscape which can beautifully erupt from time to time in blazes of passion that prove the power of romance.

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Post by hisa » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:15

wow, interesting...is all I have to say ^^;

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Post by aNToK » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:18

MMmmmm....

@yamcha: I'll simply say this: If you're agreeable to it and it fits your views, wants, etc. then I don't see anything wrong with an arranged marriage thing.

Now, if you rag on relationships between people who meet "randomly", etc. then you're as far out of line as people who may criticize you for deciding on an arranged one.

I was actually ready to support your decision against what will likely have a few naysayers and detractors, but I'm more than a little insulted at the BS examples you choose for more "normal" couples.

"Compromise for mutual dissatisfaction?", "Built backwards?" "Flawed?"
I'd say that you'll find those characteristics in a higher percentage of arranged marriages than traditional ones. And those kind of comments smack of of a serious case of false snobbery that you'd do well to correct.

And the comments about some bar or club girl, debt-ridden, massage parlor, etc...
Who is it that tells you that these are the places most people meet, see, and do?

So are you saying that most people who don't have or agree with arranged marriages are a bunch of criminal little sluts and ho's with no values?? (and no, not sharing the same values as you does NOT mean that they have no values. If you wish for people to respect your beliefs and desires, you'd damn well better respect theirs as well.

Here's your chance to say that you came across differently than you intended in your first replies.
If you say that you feel the arranged thing is right for you and that if others choose more traditional routes of courtship, that that's fine as well as long as they're happy, then fine. I'm cool with that.

But if you somehow feel that your arranged marriage is somehow more moral, superior, or valid than those of us who mingle in the "maddening crowd", such as myself who met his love in the most random way possible, then I'd offer you respectfully to BITE ME.

For your sake, I hope that your arranged partner is as excited to meet you as you are to meet him. And that you're still as excited 5,10, 20 years down the road...

If not, you'll likely soon find out why so many of these dramas people watch have storylines about the true love of that random partner triumphing over the "arranged, suitable" partner the parents picked out for their child.

Thnk about it.
Last edited by aNToK on Feb 3rd, '07, 01:20, edited 1 time in total.

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yamcha
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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:19

AboutDrama wrote:[

Sometime in Chinese culture, the elders have "see"the life of two person, if match, most likely the marriage will be a good one. Means that the couple can get a long each other well, peaceful and compatible... Hard to explain this kind of things...
Yes, and it isn't hard to explain. Just think about what kind of spouse you would want you child to marry and try to find someone like that.

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Post by freezspirit » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:22

Ok, I understand now where your coming from.

I think that in today's society its not a common practce especially in the uk and usa. I don't really have a strong pro or against opinion on arranged marriages but I think is another option.

But I think the media in the recent years have shown the negative side of arranged marriages particularly of African and Asian countries for example the girl/woman is sold or forced into the marriage by a relative. We never get shown the postive side of arranged marriages.

But in your case it sounds like you repect your parents wishes/choice and are 100% agreeable. In that regards I hope you have a happy marriage and a loving husband.

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Post by elden41 » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:27

What are you talking about? It's a total shame. As you said "Love is important too. And it makes sense to me that two people from similar backgrounds would have more things in common, thus making life together more happy. That's what I consider love."

You, my dear, will never know what it's like to love. You might as well find some friends and live with them for the rest of your life because that's what you'd be doing. Similar backgrounds and commonalities do not necessarily equate to a happier life, let alone love. I can't even describe love, or true love, but it's definitely filled with passion.

Have you ever even dated before or left the house? There is a whole world of opportunity as well as possible "mates" that may be the total opposite of you but who you click with extremely well.

Anyways, if you are going through with the arranged marriage without even meeting this person, best of luck. You still sound very young and one thing you never want to say later on in life is "What if....".

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:28

aNToK,

I was just trying to make a point. Sorry if I offended you.

I want to ask you something. Would you not research all aspects of car before buying it? Or would you just choose the hottest looking car on the lost regardless if its been used, salvaged, gets bad mileage and is uncomfortable to drive long distances in? I'm not saying that will be the case but it could be.

Nor am I saying that all arranged marriages will turn out perfect. Marriage is perhaps the most important choice in my life and I would rather give my life to someone who meet the basic common requirements of my family (visa versa) than to live the rest of my life experiencing the problems and issues create by someone who had nothing in common with me to begin with.

You mention something about drama marriages. Dramas are fun to watch in order to unwind but I am not interested in living in a drama created reality nor do I pay attention to media created opinions. Such things have no connection to what is real.

Don't get me wrong. I understand and respect what your points are.
Last edited by yamcha on Feb 3rd, '07, 06:39, edited 4 times in total.

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yamcha
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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:32

elden41 wrote:
Have you ever even dated before or left the house? There is a whole world of opportunity as well as possible "mates" that may be the total opposite of you but who you click with extremely well.
I have dated before and I have travelled all over the world. mostly in Asia and usually by myself. Just me my passport and my backpack.

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Post by elden41 » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:34

That's why you date. You don't marry everyone you date. Also, just because someone has a similar background does not mean they have similar likes. Also, how boring would it be to find someone exactly similar to you. At first it may seem nice, but don't you want to have new experiences and learn from your partner through the differences?

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:38

[Deleted double post]
Last edited by yamcha on Feb 3rd, '07, 06:41, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:45

elden41,

Certainly you cannot find someone who is your clone in every way and like you say, why would you want to. What is important to me is that my basic values and standards are the same as my husbands.

I have dated plenty of people. I no longer want to date anymore. I just don't want to randomly meet some guy and spend the next few months or years finding out if our spirits match or not. Life is precious and time is precious. Time is something money cannot buy back. I cannot afford nor do I want to spend anymore time doing things that don't bring me happiness or being with people that don't bring me happiness.

But thanks for your input, much appreciated.

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Post by Leadersama » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:50

I have no problems with arranged marriage. I think it's great for people who have a hard time meeting other people. Alot of people say it's 'stupid'. It kind of ticks me off because they have to be rude about how they're getting their opinion across. It isn't stupid. You just aren't looking at the whole picture. Just because they don't know each other fully and aren't in love doesn't mean it can't develop with time. Who wouldn't like to be married to someone they know could take care of them and never leave them? Alot of people look for those qualities, but depending on where you live, they go about it differently. I fully accept it and if both parties agree, then go for it! The only time I don't agree is if one or both parties are forced into it. :lol

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hmmm

Post by Carbon Dixoide » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:54

well wut i said is based on what happend to my friend... he is living a terrible life because he actually 'loves' some1 else but he's stuck married to the wife his parents has chose for him.
Now if u realli love some1... i think u'd want to be w/ that person instead of who u're married to and that can create many different conflicts and etc.

well i should say that i'm happy that u're parents worked out fine, but not every story has a happy ending. I apologize for 'hurting u' or w/e and hope ur future husband is someone u can live with happily.

Again, i believe that u should marry the person u truely love, not who ur parents believe u love or u should love.

best regards~

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 01:59

Carbon,

Well your friend...I mean he was already in love so thats a different case. I'm not in love with anyone nor have a really ever been. I've liked some guys a lot but our differences never allowed it to go much further.

Hmmm...I guess I can say that I have fallen in love before but just for short periods that didn't really go anywhere and wore off pretty fast.

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Post by aNToK » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:02

@yamcha:

I kind of figured you were exaggerating to make your point, and I'm known a bit for taking exception to one-sided or lopsided examples. Such is life.

To answer your question about cars as a metaphor for relationships:

Yes, I'd definitely research the hell out of any car or major purchase (decision) I was considering. A few things to consider though; First, I think of the purpose for which I'm using it, then I look around for ones in that range that I find appealing, then I do more research on the reliability, performance, etc.
And then I actually sit in the car and drive the thing. Something can be completely perfect on paper, and when you get behind the wheel, it just doesn't feel as comfortable or as good a fit as you thought it was. Or for whatever reason it just doesn't feel quite right. I'm not buying that car no matter how well it matches my perceived needs.

And sometimes, I test-drive a car that I don't really have any intention of buying, be it because of cost, reliability, gas mileage, looks, price of upkeep.... whatever.
And I find that I really enjoy driving that car. Then I go back to reconsider what's most important to me and what will make me happiest with whatever car I decide to buy.The one that just feels right and makes me feel good behind the wheel is most often the one that will make me happiest in the long run, as well as right now, regardless of how well another car would have "fit" me. I'd be somewhat satisfied if I bought that first "perfect match" of a vehicle, but I would never have felt (or would have missed) the pure joy I had in driving the one that truly fit me.

Same holds true with relationships.

As far as the drama reference, of course you don't want to live one. That'd be more than a bit tiring...
That was kind of the point. Enough people get stressed out, settle, or what-not if they're in love with someone and their families disapprove because they don't "match" their values and try pushing them toward someone they feel is more suitable. I'd venture that the people forced or pressured into marrying someone they weren't in love with just because it was felt that they were the "right" person for them by someone other than themselves has led to as many if not more unhappy or bland marriages than being with someone you truly loved who had an "unacceptable" background in the family's eyes.

Sounds like you're happy with your parents' decision, so more power to you! My point was simply that you not detract from or try to lessen the value of the other side of the coin.

And good for you for ignoring the media hype. Ask around, people who don't give a sh!% about the opinions of those they aren't involved with lead happier lives....

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Post by khmai_kandi22 » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:04

To me, it has always been like this.

"Live life to the fullest"

I would much rather enjoy life finding out who am I'll be spending the rest of my life with. You date, you fall in love, then you decide to get married, marriage, kids, and so on. For me, that's what I want to find out. If I just agree to an arranged marriage then that's not what I call a happy life in my case, it'll be call a rush life. You live to be sad, happy, mad, angry, and experience all kinds of things. A happy arranged marriage can't be base upon the same common interests at first sight.

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lol

Post by Carbon Dixoide » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:05

then i don't think that would be 'love' .. well not to me anyways
i would consider that a 'crush'?

love to me should be everlasting and beautiful, if the 'love' u've experienced did not go far and wore off pretty fast.. then it's not love at all is it? it's just a period which u might have liked the person and when things didn't work out.. u 2 just broke up and went on....

if it was true love then u guys would have worked things out and would today still be together or something like that.

again... this is what I think, does not have to apply to u whatsoever; but i just want to u to know what 'true love' realli is and what u've experienced isn't love at all.

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:05

Thank you for the reply aNToK. You know, my marriage can in a way be considered a "test drive". I certainly can get divorced if it doesn't work out. Getting an arranged marriage doesn't mean going back into the middle ages.

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Post by cornflake » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:11

If that's what you want, then congratulations. ^__^

But, personally, I would much rather find my future husband on my own.

But, yeah, congrats~!

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Re: lol

Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:13

Carbon Dixoide wrote:

if it was true love then u guys would have worked things out and would today still be together or something like that.

again... this is what I think, does not have to apply to u whatsoever; but i just want to u to know what 'true love' realli is and what u've experienced isn't love at all.
I have to disagree this. Two people can love each other but not meant for each other. Just because two people love each other doesn't mean that they can (or should) workout or compromise on there basic values.

Many divorced people still consider their ex-spouse as the love of their lives.

One thing that an arranged marraige has over many love marriages is acceptance. Acceptance of the situation and acceptance of the person who you have been arranged to marry. Most divorces happen because of living in tolerance of each other instead of acceptance. Acceptance and tolerance are in my opinion, completely opposing states of mind.

"I accept you."

"I tolerate you. You are a thorn in my side but I tolerate you."

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:19

khmai_kandi22 wrote: A happy arranged marriage can't be base upon the same common interests at first sight.
It's not about common interests.
Last edited by yamcha on Feb 3rd, '07, 02:22, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Annessa » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:22

i believe arranged marriages can work... my parents came from traditional Chinese families that chose their partners for them. even a few of my cousins, who are around my age, went through with arranged marriages. i am for it, as long as nobody is forced into it. if one party does not agree to it, it will not work.

i also believe you can eventually fall in love, maybe not right away... my parents have been married for nearly 30 years and they are still very much compatible. there's quite a few successful arranged marriages in my family, but growing up in the US, most of the kids of my generation are not often subjected to it.

if this is what you want, and what the guy wants... more power to you. personally, it's not for me, since i prefer dating instead of having a partner chosen by my parents.
Last edited by Annessa on Feb 3rd, '07, 02:28, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: lol

Post by Carbon Dixoide » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:22

yamcha wrote:
Many divorced people still consider their ex-spouse as the love of their lives.

One thing that an arranged marraige has over many love marriages is acceptance. Acceptance of the situation and acceptance of the person who you have been arranged to marry. Most divorces happen because of living in tolerance of each other instead of acceptance. Acceptance and tolerance are in my opinion, completely opposing states of mind.

"I accept you."

"I tolerate you. You are a thorn in my side but I tolerate you."
even though acceptance is important..u'll still will be merely accepting eachother rather than loving eachother... and yes there is a difference... and again, like what that Moderator said, do not think that arranged marriage is better than what u call 'love marriages' if u love someone u will accept them for sure.

and why live a life trying to endure all the conflicts between the couple and 'accept' eachother when u can just love eachother and be happy and etc.

cause accepting in this case means that u're hiding ur dislikes of the other person and just playing along .... u'd be living in a lie. and i don't think that'd be a happy/beautiful life to live.

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Post by aNToK » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:23

Ah, so black and white my dear!

How about, " I accept you. Some things you do drive me nuts, and I can and will tolerate them because they are a part of you".

It's very possible to accept someone, while you have to tolerate certain things to be with them, and to tolerate someone even if you accept everything about them.

Words and philosophy, yum!

(Damn, forgot to mention that if you follow that thorn in your side to it's conclusion, you'll often find a beautiful rose that makes all the thorns worthwhile!!!!!!!!)
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Post by Midnight » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:23

I don't think I could ever agree to an arranged marriage where I didn't even know the guy before. It'd be like buying a house before I'd even seen it. Sure I could always sell the house if it doesn't suit my needs but it would've been a lot easier if I made certain it was what I wanted before I made the down payment.

Actually, it's more like taking the biggest gamble of my life. It's down to the final round, both parties have gone all in. It's time for the show hand but someone else is holding my cards and making the call.

I'm naturally risk adverse, so this situation would just freak me out.

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Re: lol

Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:28

Carbon Dixoide wrote:
cause accepting in this case means that u're hiding ur dislikes of the other person and just playing along .... u'd be living in a lie. and i don't think that'd be a happy/beautiful life to live.
What you are describing is not acceptance but tolerance. I hate you but I need to tolerate you for the sake of the family, the kids etc...

Acceptance to me, means that I understand and am OK with another person's character traits. Please be aware that just because I accept something doesn't mean I cannot change my mind. As i have said, divorce is not a problem. I am getting married for the hcance of happiness and harmony not just to be married.

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:30

aNToK wrote:
(Damn, forgot to mention that if you follow that thorn in your side to it's conclusion, you'll often find a beautiful rose that makes all the thorns worthwhile!!!!!!!!)
Your analogy, though wise humorous, has no connection to my example! :P

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lol

Post by Carbon Dixoide » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:32

aNToK wrote:
Words and philosophy, yum!

(Damn, forgot to mention that if you follow that thorn in your side to it's conclusion, you'll often find a beautiful rose that makes all the thorns worthwhile!!!!!!!!)
lol wow... that's beautiful...

and i dono if this thread is going anywhere... there's always gonna be ppl who dissagree w/ it and ppl who agrees with it... and this discussion can go on endless because both sides will bring up good points

therefore, in conclusion; If both parties agrees and no one is forced, then it can turn out to be a beautiful thing. If u turn start to fall in love w/ him and eventually do, then it'll be awesome!! Then that means ur parents just helped u to find the one u love. And for those ppl like my self, who are kinda against arranged marriages in a way; what ur parents chose for u is probably going to be someone u will eventually love, if not like? Cause ur parents r the ones who know u best and who wants u to have the best. Now it'd be the greatest if maybe u can date the person ur parents arranged for u and if u like that person then u can get married later on, if not maybe u r able to pospone or cancel the marriage? If arranged marriages are like that, then i think both sides would be happy =]

And again, best wishes to ur arranged marriage~

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:33

cornflake wrote:If that's what you want, then congratulations. ^__^

But, personally, I would much rather find my future husband on my own.

But, yeah, congrats~!
Thank you very much. It is what I want and I am very much looking forward to this. My parent guarantee me that his looks are quite agreeable too!

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Post by aNToK » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:37

Good. See remember, parents don't want ugly grandbabies, so the guy can't look too bad, right?

And my dear, my example is invalid for you simply because you avoid the thorns!!

Still, good luck in the blossoming of your rose.

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Post by HD69 » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:38

yamcha wrote:Thank you for the reply aNToK. You know, my marriage can in a way be considered a "test drive". I certainly can get divorced if it doesn't work out. Getting an arranged marriage doesn't mean going back into the middle ages.
Lets hope that test drive does not up in a crash. And what happens if this marriage does end up in divorce. Well you once again let your parents pick out our soul mate?

Best of luck to you your going to need it.

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Post by aNToK » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:40

Hmm... Wonder who my parents would have chosen for me...

Perhaps that Colonel's daughter from Edwards? Nice styling, great handling, and wonderful warranty.

Great test drive, but the seats got a bit uncomfortable with extended time behind the wheel....

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Post by aNToK » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:42

Well, my Chosen One has just informed me that I'll be going hungry if I'm not downstairs with fork and chopsticks in hand in about 1 minute, so I'll check in later!!

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 02:52

aNToK wrote:
And my dear, my example is invalid for you simply because you avoid the thorns!!

Still, good luck in the blossoming of your rose.
No. I have no interest in shredding up my hand by grapping and running my hand down the stem of a beautiful rose just so I can experience it's beauty. I also have no fear of being hurt. I have been hurt before.

Upon reflection, all pain is self-inflicted. It quickly passes and is always in the past, never the present. As soon as we recognize it, it is gone and should be forgotten. But instead we remember it with gleeful self-torture and fixate on how we imagine it hurt us (how we suffered so innocently!) or we anticipate how a theoretical pain might hurt in the future. But pain in the present is non-existent - we sense it only after the event of its cause has passed and thus it only enters our consciousness after the fact. Given this understanding, the source of any suffering we experience tells us about our relation to life.

I do not avoid thorns. I just no longer interest in such flowers.

Why struggle with conflicting character traits, values and standards in order to mantain a strained love when I can unite with someone who has established that they have similar ideals as myself and want the same things for the future. I believe that there are more important and meaningful things than love in a marriage and who is to say that it won't happen?

Yat Gao Sun Ching...

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 03:17

HD69 wrote:
Best of luck to you your going to need it.
That's not very kind of you. But thank you.

I have dated many guys in the past and have been in a longterm relationship (4 years) that didn't last. I have come to the conclusion that couples either break up soon after meeting or they rearrange their lives around one another and thus become inseparable. Once each becomes part of the other's self-definition there is no easy separation so they stay together and make the best of it. Since there is no room to get close to others in this self-definition, there are no alternatives and therefore no paths out. They become each other's "only way" and thus a destiny. No thanks. Been there, done that.

Many here think that an arranged marraige is destined to fail.....
Failure is rarely related to the situation that receives the blame, but more commonly is the result of an initial self-defeat.
Last edited by yamcha on Feb 3rd, '07, 03:20, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by smileytiffy07 » Feb 3rd, '07, 03:19

you kno what? i wish you the best of luck! and I hope it works out for you!
i mean ppl can criticize you for your decision and yoru comments on "random" dating but i mean seriously guys ppl are entitled to their own opinion and sometimes ppl just resort to societal assumptions to answer and retaliate back.. [its going on a tanget kinda] but people don't have their own unique opinions sometimes

but as i said before. gluck this weekend and i hope your marriage works out! =)

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 03:22

THANK YOU!!!!!! :D :D :D :thumright:

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Post by AzNightDreams » Feb 3rd, '07, 03:35

I hav nothing against arranged marriages unless like many pplz sed.. both sides dont agree or one side doesnt... but

I mean if u believe u will b happi then go 4 it! :cheers: Good Luck!!!

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Post by nikochanr3 » Feb 3rd, '07, 03:45

you do all realize this person is being a wise ass and is just bored and is having a fake discussion about their fake arranged marriage, right? dont give them your time.

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Post by pokute » Feb 3rd, '07, 03:51

Niko... Tsk tsk... How could you say such a thing about this innocent little lamb being led to the slaugh... Altar?

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Post by kobe23 » Feb 3rd, '07, 04:49

hmm...I'm not too sure about this one being a troll. In any other community I would say it is, but I haven't witnessed many trolls around here so far.

For the record, I wish you all the best of luck .. even though I'm adamantly against arranged marriages, I know that it can work out. When you think about it, most of us with Asian background have parents who were "arranged" into marriage one way or another. Back in those days true love was rare. A man just needed a womam to bear children and cook while he goes hunting. Of course, these days things are a little bit different.

But I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope your man treats you well.

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Post by marie_23 » Feb 3rd, '07, 05:29

I had to comment on this topic about arranged marriages...I don't know if the original poster was a Troll are not...But, I do know that arranged marriages still do happen in this day and age right here in America. A girl I grew up with was told at the age of five when she turned twenty-one that she would marry the man her parents picked out. The guy they picked out for her was the same age as she was and had been a member of her church I think. So, from the age of five she was taught his likes and dislikes just as if she was studying for a school exam are something.
He was the only guy her parents let her date too. And they married right after she completed college last summer. Her husband runs a clothing store in my home town and she works as a school teacher. They seem very happy! Though I still find arrange marriages sort of creepy :unsure:

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Post by HD69 » Feb 3rd, '07, 05:47

yamcha wrote:
HD69 wrote:
Best of luck to you your going to need it.
That's not very kind of you. But thank you.

I have dated many guys in the past and have been in a longterm relationship (4 years) that didn't last
So you dated "many" guys and one of them lasted 4 years. So the many other guys you dated only last a few days to a month. I mean your only 23 years old, give me a break.

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 06:06

I guess I don't mean that many, more like five or six and some lasted a few weeks and some lasted just a few dates. What so unbelievable about me at twenty-three, having been in a relationship that lasted four years?
Last edited by yamcha on Feb 3rd, '07, 06:12, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 06:11

kobe23 wrote:
For the record, I wish you all the best of luck .. even though I'm adamantly against arranged marriages, I know that it can work out. When you think about it, most of us with Asian background have parents who were "arranged" into marriage one way or another. Back in those days true love was rare. A man just needed a womam to bear children and cook while he goes hunting. Of course, these days things are a little bit different.

But I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope your man treats you well.
Thank you very much. Yes, my parents marriage was more or less arranged. Their parents were friends who coincidentally, had children, who were attending college in the same state (California.)

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Post by cutekid » Feb 3rd, '07, 08:23

wow! first time to hear about arranged marriage. i thought it was not being practiced anymore. anyways i want to say congrats to yamcha hope you would be happy with your future partner in life

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 08:46

Thank you kindly.

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Post by arabian » Feb 3rd, '07, 08:54

It's your opinion in the end if you think he is the best for you ...
From now I told you CONGRATULATION..

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Post by NgocLan » Feb 3rd, '07, 09:29

My parents have an arranged marriage and have been together now for 28 years. My aunts and uncles have experienced the same and they're still happy. It doesn't have to be badly. Sometimes it could be the best thing happening to you, but I do think you've gotta keep in mind that not everyone is fit for it. Just because you can paint the picture, it doesn't have to fit the frame. ;) But best of luck to you!!

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Post by NADZ » Feb 3rd, '07, 15:18

It really depends on the society ur living in, ur relatives have all married in the same way so u don’t regard that as being a problem or something u wont agree with .in the society wear I come from there is only arrange marriages and for so many couples it has not work out; I an not saying that all arranged marriages are bad but u should have the freedom to choose the way u wanna get married in and meet ur future wife/husband. if ur happy this way then good for u.

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Post by yamcha » Feb 3rd, '07, 17:29

NADZ,

It sounds to me like the arranged marriages in you culture are not arranged with the couples happiness in mind. Can you tell me what criteria arranged marriages in your culture is based on?

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Post by short cake » Feb 3rd, '07, 17:52

Gooood luck in your new life - marraige nest -

and be happly ever after ..

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Post by NADZ » Feb 3rd, '07, 18:12

yamcha wrote:NADZ,

It sounds to me like the arranged marriages in you culture are not arranged with the couples happiness in mind. Can you tell me what criteria arranged marriages in your culture is based on?
i am not saying that they r not happy; but the ones who arrange the marriage (parents) have the upper hand and dominate the hole situation. (IN SOME NOT ALL CASES) they choose what is best for u and in some cases they force one of the couple. and it my leading the marage to fail,yet in othe famly the couple can choose and tha is most is likely to happen , its just like the lottery either u win or u don't. but this way has een great for so many years and the following genarations are agreeing to this way of marrage, and many of them are happy.
Last edited by NADZ on Feb 4th, '07, 01:59, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Eileithyia » Feb 3rd, '07, 20:32

I don't have anything against or for arranged marriages as long as they live a good life.
Arranged marriages normally last longer anyway.

All I can say is you decide your own happy life, forget about what other people said in here.
So you dated "many" guys and one of them lasted 4 years. So the many other guys you dated only last a few days to a month. I mean your only 23 years old, give me a break.
you know that you can date more than 1 person in one day right?
i dated two chicks in the same day before. (morning and night)
Dating is different than relationship.

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Post by NADZ » Feb 4th, '07, 02:02

Eileithyia wrote:
you know that you can date more than 1 person in one day right?
i dated two chicks in the same day before. (morning and night)
Dating is different than relationship.
does an y of those 2 "chicks" know that u are dating 2 at the same time??!!
what will happen if u like both?

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Post by nikochanr3 » Feb 4th, '07, 05:04

:lol there's inconsistencies in the thread, it's set up just to cause controversy "ARRANGED MARRIAGE THANK GOD!!" and in the first few posts the person tried to stir sheet up, but you people are too nice and civil so they gave up. :lol

i love this board, its so friendly, that a troll can't even start a fight, and actually starts a thoughtful discussion. (yes, yamcha is a troll, DUH...)

CARRY ON!

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Post by soulrogue » Feb 4th, '07, 05:17

let me start of by saying best of luck and if successful congratulations on your arranged marriage!

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Post by CraZyaH » Feb 4th, '07, 05:18

NADZ wrote:
yamcha wrote:NADZ,

It sounds to me like the arranged marriages in you culture are not arranged with the couples happiness in mind. Can you tell me what criteria arranged marriages in your culture is based on?
i am not saying that they r not happy; but the ones who arrange the marriage (parents) have the upper hand and dominate the hole situation. (IN SOME NOT ALL CASES) they choose what is best for u and in some cases they force one of the couple. and it my leading the marage to fail,yet in othe famly the couple can choose and tha is most is likely to happen , its just like the lottery either u win or u don't. but this way has een great for so many years and the following genarations are agreeing to this way of marrage, and many of them are happy.
NADZ and I come from the same culture, but I'm hoping for a not-so-typical-marriage, even though my chances are like 1:10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000x

People here arrange marriages starting with cousins ( religious difference + cultural,so plz don't start with the whole "OMG YOU MARRY YOUR COUSINS" crap lol)

Some families or should I say "tribes" as we call them here, might force the girl to marry her cousin, and he would be someone she hasn't seen ever in her life, and would only meet him on her wedding night (I know, not nice, but happens in most cases here).

If the girl doesn't have suitable male cousin, then the next choice is someone who's from the same tribe, but not a cousin, if that's not available, they look for someone whoes tribe is an "original" Arab tribe, and then get a girl/guy from there.

A lot of families these days allow the girl to have the choice whether to accept the marriage proposal or not. They also allow the girl and man to see each other once before they get engaged or anything, to see if they liked the person or not ( They assume you could have a "love at first sight" situation lol).

Anyway, the main reason families don't allow their girls to get married to someone they have met or loved before marriage is because our men have some stupid mentality, that is "Any girl who has known a guy before marriage is cheap", and for us, you don't have to go around sleeping with guys to be considered cheap, it's enough that you talk to one guy -just talk - to have that nice title lol

I know I made it seem like an awful thing, but it's not so bad, considering our parents only want what's best for us after all... I just really don't want this kind of marriage where you've got a 50:50 chance with the guy....

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Post by happyiegirl » Feb 4th, '07, 05:23

wow ~ arranged marriage, this sounds very interesting :P i have heard of it but never actually know people still doing that...
good luck ;D

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Post by soulrogue » Feb 4th, '07, 05:29

NOW, to business..
first of all arranged marriages depend not only from person to person but also from family to family!
what i mean is the situation in your own family , the closeness and all that crap..
BECAUSE , agreeing to live the rest of your own life on someone else choice is what requires most trust and faith..
lemme give you an example.. i have my brother living and working in UK , Happily married..
he IS still now one of those rebellious types, making my story short.. when he was around 26 his parents set up an arranged marriage date for him , .. he did refuse at first but.. (as he did when his dad asked him to join his company, which he did not) .. but something made him go on that marriage date. now the thing is, we all mock him sometimes by telling him he told us he would not marry on an arranged marriage basis..but he did so in the end .. with the first girl he ever went on a "marriage date" with, he replies us by saying that he could only thank his parents for making him go on the date and thank god for such an opportunity.. cause she has been the best person he has ever met, ( it was worth the wait) .. i mean they connected from the very start.
HE trusted his parents and had faith first of all to go see his "arranged" "life" partner and HAS not regretted it.. call it whatever you want.
on the other hand :
my parents friend case.. aunty got married to a man who came from a good family but seemed to always beat her up and had no attachments with her not emotionally or physically, when this was finally noticed.. the man was sent to jail + they obviously got a divorce and now she is happily married again after chosing her life partner for herself and also has kids...

so gave you two cases you decide

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Post by soulrogue » Feb 4th, '07, 05:48

CraZyaH wrote:
NADZ wrote:
yamcha wrote:NADZ,

It sounds to me like the arranged marriages in you culture are not arranged with the couples happiness in mind. Can you tell me what criteria arranged marriages in your culture is based on?
i am not saying that they r not happy; but the ones who arrange the marriage (parents) have the upper hand and dominate the hole situation. (IN SOME NOT ALL CASES) they choose what is best for u and in some cases they force one of the couple. and it my leading the marage to fail,yet in othe famly the couple can choose and tha is most is likely to happen , its just like the lottery either u win or u don't. but this way has een great for so many years and the following genarations are agreeing to this way of marrage, and many of them are happy.
NADZ and I come from the same culture, but I'm hoping for a not-so-typical-marriage, even though my chances are like 1:10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000x

People here arrange marriages starting with cousins ( religious difference + cultural,so plz don't start with the whole "OMG YOU MARRY YOUR COUSINS" crap lol)

Some families or should I say "tribes" as we call them here, might force the girl to marry her cousin, and he would be someone she hasn't seen ever in her life, and would only meet him on her wedding night (I know, not nice, but happens in most cases here).

If the girl doesn't have suitable male cousin, then the next choice is someone who's from the same tribe, but not a cousin, if that's not available, they look for someone whoes tribe is an "original" Arab tribe, and then get a girl/guy from there.

A lot of families these days allow the girl to have the choice whether to accept the marriage proposal or not. They also allow the girl and man to see each other once before they get engaged or anything, to see if they liked the person or not ( They assume you could have a "love at first sight" situation lol).

Anyway, the main reason families don't allow their girls to get married to someone they have met or loved before marriage is because our men have some stupid mentality, that is "Any girl who has known a guy before marriage is cheap", and for us, you don't have to go around sleeping with guys to be considered cheap, it's enough that you talk to one guy -just talk - to have that nice title lol

I know I made it seem like an awful thing, but it's not so bad, considering our parents only want what's best for us after all... I just really don't want this kind of marriage where you've got a 50:50 chance with the guy....

uhh ok im not being disrespectful or offensive in ANY way.. but
cmon your saying parents still want the best for their child in this seems the second criteria first being
lets not let out precious little girl be a shame to out family lets marry her off to some person i think i know before she sees another thing called man , (the mother here says:"dear lets just let the two meet once before marriage" , dad replies "why not.. the heck if they fall in love they'll praise us .. if they do not.. well we gave them a chance to do so..)

IN THIS DAY AND AGE , calling a girl cheap because she went out with a man... well i guess its ok if the other men went out with any of the three genders? (being M,F and TS?)..ohh that "boy had a boyfriend" , he from a good family..oh wow lets just marry our girl to him and we'll think about these things later... WTF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@%#$^I@
i am saying all these because we live in FUKIN 2007 now..its a diff millennium from when these stupid rules were made up.. i myself being an indian cannot agree to this freakin stupid method , cause now in literate areas of our country the previous rules HAVE BEEN CHANGED and adapted to the new millenia

YOU ARE JUST DEFENDING UP FOR YOUR PARENTS (WHOM YOU VERY MUCH LOVE)
WITHOUT WANTING TO DO SO!! YOU HATE THESE POINTS AS WELL ...dont you? :thumright:

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