I found this to be a very interesting read, and most of it being very accurate. However, it is quite long so be prepared to set aside 10 mins
NINE ARTICLES ON HOW TO GET GIRLS TO CHASE YOU
Let me start this thread by telling you a story....
There was this guy. When he was young, he had trouble getting girls. He rarely had dates, let alone many girlfriends. He dreamed about being a famous singer and auditioned at various karaoke bars and studios. Although he can sing and dance, he was repeated rejected for being "too ugly". In order to sell CDs, a singer must have "the look" to attract throngs of screaming girls. He didn't. His family and friends urged this ugly duckling to quit. And he almost did.
One day, his singing attracted the CEO of a small talent agency. For unknown reasons, this agency took a chance and gave him a gig as a backup dancer.
Six years later, this guy is now an international heartthrob and named one of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful Person. Despite being "too ugly", he can get more girls in bed in one week than most of you can get in a lifetime.
This guy's name? Rain, the Korean singing/acting sensation. 100% true story.
Why did I tell this story? Because the truth is, almost any guy can become "hot". Rain's looks didn't change one bit. If he's ugly then, he's ugly now. The difference between then and now is, 20 million girls want to sleep with him today. I bet this talent agency could have taken any of you and acheive similar results. It has almost nothing to do with your looks. It's all about marketing. And marketing = manipulation.
The purpose of this thread is two-folds:
Understand how the female mind works
Manipulate it to your advantage.
Although you won't become Rain, you'll take a few steps towards it. Once you learn the strategies, girls will start chasing you instead. It will make your courtship activities simplier and more successful.
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Like my other threads, here are some ground rules. If you break them, I'll ignore you or make a smart-ass reply.
This thread is about the dating/courtship process, not relationships. Don't talk about how you wouldn't want a boyfriend like this.
There will be a fair amount of generalizing that I will make no apologies for.
I understand these tips will not work on everyone. No tip can work on all people in all situations.
You must stomach some blunt, truthful and no-BS language. It's not sugercoated to protect anyone's feelings
I love to debate my ideas but you're wasting time going for any sort of personal attack. I'm not here to make friends and assure you that I have far more important things to care about than your lame insults . Instead of some lame personal attack that makes you look like a fool, why not be an adult and discuss the merits of the argument in a calm and rational manner?
There will be themes borrowed from my other threads. Hey, some things are worth repeating!
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Preface (Sept 30, 2007)
Before I begin, I want to preface a statement before half the population of this forum floods me with hate mail.
Some of you might accuse me of insinuating that women are more feeble-minded than men and, therefore, can be manipulated. I am not insinuating this. Men can also be easily manipulated by women. In fact, I detailed how women can do this with the thread I had written for girls (TWELVE WAYS FOR GIRLS TO IMPROVE HER CHANCES WITH GUYS). When it comes to being feeble-minded, people from both genders can plead guilty.
So I want to stress that, when describing human frailties, I am equal opportunity! I don't take sides in any gender wars. It will only seem I'm stressing women's frailties on this thread because it's written for a male's perspective. When I write one for a women's perspective, the opposite will seem true.
If you still want to think I'm launching some sexist tirade on this thread, then that's your problem.
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1. Understanding emotional triggers (Oct 2, 2007)
When asking most Rain fans what makes him hot, the top three answers are: he's cute, he's tall and he's a good dancer. BS. Six years ago, girls wouldn't even look at him even though he had the same face, the same height and roughly the same dancing skills. Clearly, these three traits are not the true reasons explaining the attraction.
Something else must be going on.
To explain this phenemonon, we need to understand and accept three important facts:
Girls do not use logic when choosing a guy
Girls do not know what they truly want
Girls have no control over who she becomes attracted to
She may claim to want someone cute, smart, tall, educated, sweet, loyal, etc. After all, that sounds pretty logical. But throughout her life, she will become attracted to guys who has few (or none) of these traits. That's because her choices for men are not driven by logic. Instead, they are driven by basic human instincts passed down over hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution. These instincts have ensured the survival of the human race and these instincts control who she prefers.
In psychology, these instincts are collectivelly known as the "id".
The id then controls who she wants. Through logic, she may claim to hate guys who are players or jerks. Yet, she may still become irresistably attracted to them (often to her frustration!). Feminine logic is no match for her id -- and the id often works in contridiction to her logic.
Since her preference is driven by the id, there are certain types of guys she's seeking that fulfills her basic emotional and survival needs. These types of guys embody certain characteristics that I will call "emotional triggers". Get used to this term because it will be used exhustively throughout this thread. The point of this thread is to understand what these emotional triggers are. Once you know them....yep....you can pull them! Not every girl will become interested, but it will improve your chances.
So let's begin...
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2. What her id really wants in a guy (Oct 4, 2007)
Let's return to the first question I raised in my last article. Why do girls love Rain? We've proven it's not his looks, his height or his dancing abilities. So what is it?
When shopping for a mate, she's really looking for two primary things:
Someone who is "in demand"
Someone who is her superior
Let's briefly explore the first factor, the "in demand" factor. Girls are highly conformist when it comes to selecting guys. She wants someone who is wanted by other girls. If a guy is surrounded by lots of girls at a party, he's the one she wants even if he's only average-looking. Her id is telling her "if lots of girls want him, he must be worth having". This is why girls love players. It's not because of his looks (lots of players are butt-ugly), it's because he's "in demand".
OK, let's briefly explore the second factor, the "superior" factor. Girls want someone "better" than her -- someone richer, more educated, smarter, more popular, etc. Many girls will claim she desires "equality" in a relationship. BS!! All this talk of "equality" is her logic talking. Remember what we said last time -- a girl doesn't select a guy based on logic. Her id is in control and her id says "I need someone to take care of me and my child". She knows a guy who's her superior is more able to provide material comforts needed for survival.
Now that we know the two primary factors, we can understand why girls love Rain. He's "in demand" and he's her superior. He didn't have these things before he was famous and that's why no girls wanted him back then. When a guy has these two factors, she will invent reasons to like him to justify her attraction. That's why girls pretend Rain is "cute" even if he's clearly not. And that's why girls pretend to like Rain for his dancing skills even though that's a BS reason to like anyone.
So here's the secret. Once the girl thinks you have these two factors, she'll make excuses to like you! She'll tell her friends you're cute (even if you're not) or you're good at the guitar (BS reason) or you have a cool accent (another BS reason). The rest of this article will explore how to pull her emotional triggers so that she BELIEVES you have these two factors, EVEN IF YOU DON'T!! That's right, you're about to learn to be a poser.
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Short recap (Oct 6, 2007)
Glossary
logic - Intellectual process in which girls determine what she wants in a guy
id - Base instincts that dictate what she wants in a guy
emotional triggers - Your actions and character that appeals to her id
Summary
Her logic says: "I love nice guys because they are sweet and attentive to me".
Her id says: "I love players because they're in demand and my superior".
Do you appeal to her logic (and be nice) or do you appeal to her id (by being a player)?
Answer.... Her logic and id will often contridict. When it does, her id will almost always win.
Therefore, you appeal to her id (by being a player).
When her id makes her attracted to you, she will use logic to justify the attraction. In other words:
- Her id becomes attracted to you.
- She uses logic to justify it.
Simple?!
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3. The illusion of being "in demand" (part 1) (Oct 9, 2007)
I want to start this article with something I read a while back:
Winning a girl's affection is like trying to catch a butterfly. If you run after it with a net, it will fly away. But if you sit yourself calmly, it may land on your shoulders when you least expect it.
Many of you think "getting" a girl means you gotta chase her relentlessly. You say the sweetest things, you call constantly, you give your fullest attention, you buy gifts, you do whatever she says, etc. This is the stuff of movies, things that make girls dream and swoon.
So you need to do this right? Makes logical sense.
Problem is, a girl does not choose a guy based on logic.
When you chase her, a funny conflict transpires in her head. Her logic tells her she should love the attention and fall madly for you. Instead, she'll find herself losing interest, passion and respect for you. She doesn't understand why and becomes "confused". Then, she figures it out (or so she thinks). She blames it on lack of chemistry, which causes you to hear those four dreaded words: "let's just be friends".
The REAL reason she has lost interest is because her id is in control. Her id equates Nice Guys with being less valuable and says "this guy is too easy, he clearly isn't 'in demand'". After all, guys who are "in demand" have plenty of options and doesn't chase anyone with lame romantic garbage or sucking up to people. Since you're too easy and a hopeless kiss-ass, that means you have no options, other girls don't want you, and you're definitely not in demand. All this is how her id assesses the situation.
Don't get me wrong. Being nice is important. Her id does want someone to care for her as a tool for survival. But the key here is balance -- a balance we'll discuss in a future article. For now, just remember that to appeal to her id, you must refrain from being too nice, too spineless and too available. By doing the opposite, you're pulling a powerful emotional trigger by subconsciously convincing her id that you're "in demand" and don't need to resort to chasing.
It's ironic that when people talk about "chasing" a girl, the word "chase" implies the target is running away. And that's exactly what she'll be doing if you pursue her with your lame Mr Nice Guy routine.
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4. The illusion of being "in demand" (part 2) (Oct 12, 2007)
In the last article, we explored ways to signal that you're "in demand". In this article, we show her.
How do we show her? One way is by being a "reckless flirt". It doesn't involve cheesy pickup lines on every girl you see. But it does mean you're genuinely friendly and, through compliments and flirty behavior, make others feel happy without expecting anything in return. When she sees this type of behavior, her id will say "wow, he must be 'in demand' because girls can't resist these types of guys". All playerish guys do this.
excl.gif I had written an article two weeks ago on being a reckless flirt. You should review it before proceeding: http://asianfanatics.net/forum/index.ph ... &start=120 (Sept 28th)
In addition, being "in demand" also means you have a life surrounded by friends and social events. What if you're just a boring loner surfing porn on Saturday nights? No worries! You can still give the illusion of having a life. Here are some suggestions:
Become mysterious. When girls ask what you're doing this weekend, just say "yeah I have plans". If she presses for an answer, say "I...umm...I'll tell you some other time" and leave. Be vague, avoiding and nonresponsive on what yo'ure up to. When something is kept secret, people instinctually believe it contains something juicy and exciting. No wonder girls love mysterious guys! Just don't be creepy about it.
Become unavailable. She calls, you don't answer. She leaves a message and you return it only 5 days later. She asks to do something together and you say NO. When conversing, be first to end the conversation. You're must give the impression that you're constantly busy and on-the-move.
Show photos. There was this guy who put photos of himself on Myspace. He wasn't the best looking guy so he didn't attract much of a response. Then, he changed the photos to show himself surrounded by lots of friends in a fun party setting. Suddenly, the response was much more favorable and some girls thought he was "cute". This should not come as a surprise. Girls want guys who are "in demand" and these kinds of photos give the suggestion. If you have a Myspace or Facebook or, on your desk at work, you must display these types of photos!
Keep in mind that when giving the illusion, you cannot overdo it, brag about it, or try to prove it. If she thinks you're being a poser or trying too hard, she will know instantly you're not "in demand".
Finally, don't lie. If you're not clubbing this weekend, don't say it. Even if you're not caught fibbing, you'll feel like a loser which dents your confidence. In the strategies I've suggested above, you're not lying. You're only leaving it up to the other person's active imagination!
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5. The superiority complex (part 1) (Oct 17, 2007)
Giving the illusion you're a superior is more important than actually being a superior. Lots of rich educated guys end up alone because they fail from being a superior to acting like one. If you don't act like one, you're not one (even if you are).
There are a few strategies on giving this illusion. I'll list two of them on this article....
First, be the one who initiates friendliness or show interest. Many people (especially girls) want the other party to initiate. Who wouldn't want others to be nice first? But those who subscribe to this mindset are perceived to be inferiors. Society assumes people who don't initiate as being petty, timid, unconfident and unable to make decisions. Therefore, these types can never be a leader or a superior.
When talking about initiating, I'm not even talking about asking for a date or phone number. I'm only referring to being the first to say hello or initiate a conversation or pay someone a compliment. Unless the girl is a total b-tch, 90% of the time, you'll receive a positive response (as long as you're not creepy about it). So a lot of the fear is unfounded.
Second, never be afraid to say NO or disagree with her. During courtship, most guys believe he must give everything she wants to win her affection. Sure she'll like you...but she will not respect you. If she doesn't respect you, she will not see you as a superior. Think about people who are your superiors -- such as your boss, parents or teachers. Do they give everything you want or go out of their way to please you? Of course not. By telling a girl NO or disagreeing with her, you're pulling an emotional trigger. Her id will say "wow, this guy is my superior because he's unafraid to put me in my place". This makes you boyfriend material, not her kiss-ass little brother.
Of course, don't say NO just to say NO. You also must demonstrate fairness. For example, let's say you and her agreed to watch a specific movie this weekend. But on the day of the date, she insists on seeing another movie. It is completely fair to stand up to her and say "sorry, we agreed on what to watch already". If you cave in, her logic may say "wow, he's so sweet!" but her id will say "this guy is a spineless loser". And when her logic and id conflicts, we all know which one usually wins...
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6. The superiority complex (part 2) (Oct 23, 2007)
There is one last major emotional trigger to pull to give the illusion that you're her superior...
Never get overly-emotional. excl.gif
People who allow emotions to get out of control aren't perceived to be superiors. Think about real-life superiors such as your bosses, your teachers, political leaders, priests, etc. These people are supposed to remain professional and cool-headed. If they start crying or cussing or becoming enraged or petty, you instantly lose respect for them.
This is also how girls view guys during courtship. Think about guys who are popular and playerish. When describing these guys, the word that often comes to mind is "cool". And cool means "in-control". This is not to say you never express happiness, sadness, anger, etc. But there's a difference between expressing yourself with dignity versus losing control.
In not being overly-emotional, this also means you must put aside your romantic garbage. I know, you want to compliment her constantly and shower her with gift and attention. You want to draw hearts for her and send cutesy text messages. She will even claim to want this from a guy. But what you're really doing is conveying the illusion that you've in love and have lost control. Her id will say "this loser cannot control his emotions and, therefore, isn't my superior".
Also, part of not getting overly-emotional is not being petty and childish. For example, if she says something disrespectful to you, your immediate instinct is to say something nasty in return. But playing tit-for-tat is what kids do, not superiors. If you're her superior, you have to turn the other cheek. If she says something disrespectful, don't show anger or retaliate. Instead, give a witty response and smile it off. Being petty and plotting revenge is what girls do. If you stoop to the feminine level, you're instantly not her superior.
Besides, a lot of girls do it on purpose to provoke a response from a guy she likes. So instead of getting back at her, just be content in knowing she might be interested in you and that you're her superior. Not only will she respect you, more importantly, you'll also respect yourself.
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Short recap (Oct 25, 2007)
Giving the illusion you're "in demand"
- Never be too nice (a kiss-ass)
- Be mysterious
- Be unavailable
Showing her you're "in demand"
- Flirt with other girls
- Show photos
Giving the illusion you're her superior
- Initiate friendliness
- Don't be afraid to say NO or disagree
- Don't get overly emotional
- Don't stoop to pettiness and turn the other cheek
Dissect female behavior by understanding how her id works:
- If you're 110% Mr Nice Guy to her, her id says "he's fallen in love and cannot control his emotions".
- People who cannot control their emotions are not a superior
- Therefore, if you're 110% Mr Nice Guy to her, you are not her superior.
- And if you're not her superior, you're not boyfriend material.
Simple?
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7. Striking the right balance (Oct 27, 2007)
Several people have asked why I don't teach guys to be "nice". That's because being nice is easy and natural and all guys can do it. Besides, most courtship failures occur not because he's not nice enough, but because he's too nice. Instead of teaching niceness, it is far more productive for me to teach how to refrain from it.
That being said, niceness does play an important role. Her id is concerned with survival and reproduction and wants a man to provide for its success. No matter how "in demand" or how superior a guy is, she will pass on someone who is emotionally absent.
So how do we balance being nice with not being too nice? Remember this forumla:
PASSION = HOPE + DOUBT
This formula states that, if you want her to have passion for you, you must give her hopes that you have fallen for her. At the same time, you must give her doubts whether your affection is genuine or whether it will last. It's a guessing game that throws her into turmoil and works because of two reasons:
First, it appeals to both her logic and id. Her logic will be drawn to your kindness. At the same time, your confusion will appeal to her id because, when she has doubts and sees you as "hard to get", it gives an illusion that you're "in demand" and a superior.
Second, it causes her to guess your intentions. The more she guesses, the more she will think about you and the more she will like you. excl.gif That's right! The simple fact she's thinking of you will cause her to develop an attachment to you. That's just how the brain functions. Even negative thoughts, such as her suspecting you're a player or her feeling jealous/frustrated towards you, will create an attachment. Give her something to think about!! Just don't give her hostile thoughts (like if you spreading horrible rumors about her or say something extremely cruel).
So remember, PASSION = HOPE + DOUBT is a guessing game! It's a great way to appeal to both her logic and id while encouraging her to think about you and develop an attachment.
In my opinion, HOPE and DOUBT should be balanced in this manner:
When you first meet her: 80% HOPE, 20% DOUBT
When you've established a friendship: 70% HOPE, 30% DOUBT
When you're at the beginning stages of dating: 65% HOPE, 35% DOUBT
When it starts getting serious: 80% HOPE, 20% DOUBT
The reason HOPE is going down is because it keeps her interest. And the reason it goes back to 80% HOPE in the end is because, if the relationship is proceeding well, you must ease up on the guessing games. If she feels tormented at this stage, you run the risk of her retaliating with crazy games of her own. At this advanced stage, don't play unless she plays. Hopefully, you can eventually train her not to play them at all.
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8. You are the prize, not her (Oct 31, 2007)
We all know him. The guy who's mega-successful with girls. Some girls call him "hot". Others call him a "player". Still others call him "cool". But few girls call him "nice". He's good at flirting and getting dates. He has an edge and attitude. And underneath that playboy demeanor, he displays that "I don't give a sh-t" attitude. It's hard to describe how he does it, but you get the feeling he really don't care. If the girl returns his affection, fine. If she doesn't, that's also fine. He's not on a crusade to please anyone and his happiness is not contingent on any girl.
How can he do this? Because he has confidence. When a man has confidence, hey, he just doesn't care. He takes risk without caring. He takes rejection without caring. He acts and speaks without caring. Paradoxically, the less he cares, the more girls want him.
This guy has probably never studied psychology -- but he's an expert at appealing to a girl's id. Some guys are a natural. If you're reading this, it probably means you're not a natural. At this point, there is good news and bad news. The good news is, you can use "tricks" I've detailed on this thread to give the illusion that you're "in demand" and a superior. The bad news is, if you don't geninuely believe in yourself, no amount of tricks will work long-term.
So long-term courtship success requires two things:
- Giving the illusion you're "in demand" and a superior (easy)
- Having genuine confidence and believing you have worth (very hard)
Speaking of confidence, here's another reason you cannot "chase" a girl. If you do, it lowers your self-esteem. Chasing implies she's more valuable than you and that, to make up for low worth, you must kiss her ass to be her equal. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Not only does her id deplore these kinds of spineless guys, your self-esteem also suffers. So chasing girls kills two things with one stone.
In order to maximize courtship success, you need to think of yourself as the prize instead of her. Once you have real confidence and display the "in demand" and superior illusion, girls will hunt you down. And that's why this thread is about how to get girls to chase you (not the other way around).
No confidence guy: "she's a great prize and I need to chase her!"
Confidence guy: "I am the prize and she'd be crazy not to want me".
As I said earlier, it's hard to teach how to develop confidence. In my next (and final) article for this thread, I'll take a stab at it...
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9. Tomorrow is a new day (Nov 3, 2007)
You've decided tomorrow is a new day.
You're a guy filled with self-doubt. So you've decided Mr Doubter will have to die and Mr Confidence will take his place.
But confidence doesn't arrive instantly. It takes time. But there are things you can do immediately. You will get a decent haircut. If you wear glasses, you replace it with something stylish that doesn't look gay or geeky. You buy some new clothes. If you carry extra weight, you will exercise to lose it. If you're underweight, you will eat more to bulk up. If you look better (or think you look better), it will boost your confidence.
You will also develop unique interests and hobbies. There's nothing wrong with being interested in normal guy things like video games and basketball. But you need something more to make you an interesting person. You will learn the guitar or take up photography or study baroque art. You will volunteer to feed the homeless or tutor kids at the library. People will think you're a person of depth as a result. More importatnly, you'll feel that way about yourself.
You will develop manners. When speaking with someone signifigantly older than you, especially the elderly, you address them as "sir" or "ma'am". If seated on a bus, you surrender your seat to someone frail or pregnant. You hold doors for people. Words like "thanks", "please" and "sorry" are normal parts of your vocabulary. When you talk and act like a gentlemen, you will feel like one.
You've been chasing a girl named Amy and doing romantic stuff that people on this forum have advised you to do. But she has remained disinterested and even disrespectful. When she calls, you spend hours on the phone. If you call, she always has an excuse not to talk. Speaking of excuses, she always has one on why she flakes with you on a date. You've been told, by the same people who gave you advice, that you've done nothing wrong and that it's her. B-LLSHIT. It's completely your fault. She walks all over you because you allow it. You're getting what you deserve.
So you will stop chasing. You're not going to be rude...you'll just treat her like everyone else. Nothing that hints of anything more. If you want confidence, you have to escape sources of negativity.
After a few weeks, you begin to feel a bit better about yourself. You've been improving yourself physically and behaviorally. Now, it's time for the next phase.
You will do two things. First, you will feign confidence in how you present yourself. When you walk into a room or into a situation, you will stand up straight and move with conviction as if you f-cking own the place. You will also put a pleasant and inviting look on your face. This will feel awkward and forced. But you'll do it anyway.
Secondly, you will make idle chatter with strangers. I know it's hard, so you'll start easy. When you're at a restaurant or clothing store or supermarket, you will say something nice to an employee. They're paid to be nice so there's little risk. You're just learning how to initiate, make small talk, develop rapport and end a conversation.
After a few weeks, your confidence has improved. You can talk with strangers comfortably. You feel good about yourself. Now, it's time to make idle chatter with people who aren't paid to be nice. You'll seek targets at work, in class, at church, etc. It's important you don't try it on people you're attracted to yet. Although that's the ultimate aim, you're not ready.
You'll discover that a vast majority of people are pretty nice! If you're nice, and as long as you're not creepy or pushy, they usually reciprocate. All that fear of you being shot down in shame were unfounded. After a while, not only will your confidence improve, you will also make new friends and be perceived as "that cool guy".
At this point, you're surprised Amy has taken a slightly more aggressive stance towards you. It's been over a month since you've stopped chasing and she has noticed. She has also noticed your increased confidence -- she's seen it for herself and heard rumors about new friends you're making. Of course, you return Amy's friendliness but don't hint of romantic intent. Besides, you're beginning to lose interest. You have options now.
A few more weeks have passed and your confidence is skyrocketing. Now, when you walk into a room, you feel like you own the place. It's not just an act. You feel comfortable enough to approach a stranger to chat. Not that you would, but you could. You can also look at cute girls and not feel embarassed, even if they catch you looking. You can also speak frankly and not worry about pleasing others. You can use some profanity, disagree with others, or say something mildly controversial, unpopular or blunt. Ironically, people will like you more this way than when you kissed ass and tried to be perfect.
At this point, you will start speaking to girls whom you find attractive. You've had almost two months of practise and prepration. When you start doing this, you'll realize a few things. First, it's far easier than you had feared. Again, people usually reciprocate kindness. Second, even if you get rejected, you realize how fast the sting goes away. After it goes away, you're left only with increased respect for yourself. What type of guys are more respectable? The guy who takes risks? or the guy who's a chickensh-t?
Of course, when you do face rejection, you're a good sport about it. You don't say anything vengeful in return. Only girls do that. You just smile, utter something witty, and move on.
After a few more weeks, you've begun to strike friendships with many girls. Even those who rejected you initially are giving you second chances since you were such a good sport. You remember that it's OK to flirt but not OK to chase. excl.gif You also remember that you need to give the illusion that you're "in demand" and her superior. Eventually, you casually ask if they want to get a cup of coffee or grab a quick bite. Wow! You realize how easy it was to ask for a date! And you're also suprised how many of them say YES! OMG, if only you've done this all along. Even when you fail, you realize that failure is really your friend and teacher. Through trial and error, you constantly improve your technique.
You can now easily make friends with girls and easily invite them for dates. Congratulations, you're now officially a "player"!
Amy begins to get upset now that you've changed. She knows you've been dating and tells her friends that you're an a--hole and a player. But that's OK. Being called a player is really a compliment in disguise. Deep down, she knows she had her chances but blew it. Besides, many girls try tearing a guy's self-esteem in a pathetic way to boost her own. You pretty much laugh off her feeble efforts. You have better fish to fry now.
Then, you look back at your journey that started when you decided tomorrow would be a new day. Although that JSBach guy can be a pompous prick, you realize he was mostly right while girls who gave sappy romantic advice were wrong. You're now a guy briming with confidence, an invaluable gift that will bring a lifetime of dividends. Girls admire you. You admire yourself. What can possibly be wrong with that?!
All this can happen and it all depends on what you do tomorrow. So...will you choose for tomorrow to be a new day?
TWELVE WAYS FOR GIRLS TO IMPROVE HER CHANCES WITH GUYS
You will need to read the other thread to understand some of the concepts here.
Here are some reminders for this thread:
This thread is for courtship or early stages of dating, not for people in relationships. Don't be lame and say "I will dump my boyfriend if he did that".
There will be a fair amount of generalizing that I will absolutely make no apologizes for. No tips or concepts can ever apply to everybody in every situation. The tips I give for girls will apply to "most" guys in most situations, never to all guys in all situations.
You have to stomach blunt and direct language. As you can see on my other thread, I'm a no BS kinda guy.
Like on the other thread, I'll post an article every few days.
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0. First, the ugly truth about beauty (July 25th)
Just a quick word before we start....
There's no other way to say it. Beauty is by far the #1 factor determining the value of women in the dating world. That's just the world we live in and nothing you do will change that. If you meet his physical standards, you've already won 70% of the battle. The rest is ensuring you do not screw up the remaining 30% or lose him to a competitor. If you don't meet his standards, the rest of this thread is pointless because no strategy will work. Sorry. Guys are highly visual creatures.
BUT!!! HERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS....
Beauty is HIGHLY subjective. Unless you're in the extremes, you will never be perceived as being pretty or ugly by everyone. Your job is to identify the subset of guys who think you meet his physical standards. Once identified, you work on this subset with ideas raised on this thread. Unless you're hopelessly hedious, there will always be guys who find you attractive if you make an effort.
Speaking of making an effort, here's another piece of good news! Girls can usually improve her appearance (to some extent) and appeal to a larger subset. There are some tricks that I will discuss next time on how to do this. It won't perform miracles -- but if he thinks you're borderline, it can make or break you!
To summarize:
- If you don't meet his physical standards, you're wasting your time.
- If you meet his physical standards, the rest of this thread is for you.
- If you are borderline, you must do the things mentioned on the next article.
How do you know where you stand in these three catagories with him? LET'S CUT THE BS. You can feel it. Unlike girls, guys know exactly what they want and are direct in pursuing it. If you flirt with him and he reciprocates, you're in the game. If he frequently steal glances at you, you're in the game. If he does neither, game is over for you. It's that simple. Guys do not flirt or stare at girls whom they find unattractive.
A final word. Don't think just because you meet his physical standards, it means he likes you. It doesn't. Let me give you an example. I have a tall white female coworker who worked as a model and have appeared in TV commercials. Even though I find her absolutely beautiful, I'm not interested in white chicks and she's too tall. Therefore, even if she meets my physical standards, I have zero interest. So there's a BIG DIFFERENCE between meeting his standards and winning his affection.
OK, now that you can determine if you're in the game or not, let the fun begin...
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1. How to (somewhat) improve your appearance (July 27th)
As mentioned last time, there are a few things you can do to improve your appearance. But don't fool yourself. These ideas are meant only for girls who are considered "borderline" by the guy. It will not perform miracles.
There are three physical changes all girls can do to improve their apperance.
Shedding extra weight. Sorry, but excess weight is a serious killer to your desirability. A guy will forgive an unattractive face before he forgives an unattractive physique. You don't have to be super slender...just not over, say, 25 lbs overweight. I'm sorry if you have a horrible genetic disposition, but the only reason girls are grossly overweight is because she has made a poor lifestyle choice. I know dieting and exercising are hard, but if you want to, you can do it. Shedding excess pounds not only enhances desirability, you'll also live a healthier life. So do it for yourself if for no other reason!
Flirty dressing. OK, at the risk of sounding like a pervert, I'll say it. Guys prefer girls who wear clothing that's slightly revealing and flirty. Yes, you have show some skin -- just not too much to be considered slutty or gross. A good example can be seen from Taiwanese entertainer Rainie Yang (pic1 pic2 pic3). I'm not a fan of hers, but she has killer fashion sense with a good balance of being flirty, sexy and classy.
Invest in an awesome haircut. It's amazing how the right hair can make a BIG difference. Hair should be feminine, trendy and conservative. It's not a place to "make a statement" or be experimental. No short hair. No lame coloring.
By the way, there are also personality changes that are just as effective! This is something most girls don't understand. They spend zillions on diets pills and makeup when the cheapest and easiest way to improve your appearance is to smile, act friendly and flirty! The obvious reason is because a smiley upbeat face is prettier than a bitchy or unemotional one. But there is another "scientific" reason....
If a guy enjoys your personality, his brain gets fooled into thinking you're prettier than you really are. Why? Because the human brain equates kindness with beauty. In fairy tales, kind people are pretty (like Snow White or Cinderella) while mean people are ugly (like witches). These stereotypes exploit how the quirky brain works. Have you ever heard guys say "I never noticed her but she's kinda cute" or "dang, she has really grown on me". When he says this, it means her personality has altered his visual perception. The eye sees the same girl, but the brain intervenes to psychologically boost her level of beauty.
So take a risk, smile and be friendly and flirty! You'll become instantly more attractive. A future article will discuss strategies on how to go about doing this...
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2. Becoming the subordinate (July 29th)
The idea that women want equality in a relationship is pure BS. Girls want a guy who is smarter, older, earns more money, has more education, etc. She also expects him to make the first move, initiate the first phone call, ask for the first date, propose marriage, etc. In short, girls want guys to be a superior and to lead. This hardly sounds like "equality", does it?
Guess what? Guys desire this arrangement too! He wants to be a superior and to find a girl whom he can offer his guidance and support. He wants to lead just like she wants him to lead. He leads; she follows. This arrangement has existed for as long as humans has walked the earth. It exists for one simple reason: that's how the human brain is designed. The male and female brains are structurally different and designed to play gender specific roles they were born to play. The more you resist the natural order, the more problems you will face in your relationships.
Therefore, if you want to increase your chances of success with guys, you should play the role designed for women in the natural order. You don't act like a superior or become a control freak. Instead, playing the role of a subordinate, you should make him feel that you need his advice, support and guidance. For example, you should frequently ask him for help with homework or get his advice on fixing your car. You're the damsel in distress and he's the knight coming to save you. I'm not suggesting for you to become a completely helpless little girl. Nobody can respect a women who is dumb and incompetent. But you need to make him feel that you look up to him. When you do so sufficiently, it will strike his natural masculine impulse to care for a women.
I know with the feminist movement, some of you will thrash me for being sexist and chauvinistic. But cut the BS. As mentioned in the first paragraph, girls WANT the guy to be a superior. The genders were never meant to be equal. Instead of "equality", what you should seek for in a relationship is "balance". Balance implies everything is not equal, but that both parties achieve harmony by giving and taking.
There's another VERY IMPORTANT reason why you want to play the role of the subordinate. This will be explored next time...
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3. Minimizing his risk, Part I (August 3rd)
OK, let's face it. A vast majority of girls will never ask a guy out first. I can stand here and explain every reason why you should -- but we all know that's not going to happen. When it comes to dating, the female mind is programmed to avoid risk and damage to ego.
If you're not going to ask, you must encourage him to ask. How do you do this? You do this by MINIMIZING HIS RISK. Every guy hates rejection, even the most confident ones. To encourage him to ask, you must make him think you'll say YES to his invitation.
He feels more risk = less likely he'll ask you out
He feels less risk (and more confident) = more likely he'll ask you out
That means, if you play hard-to-get or treat him cruelly or with indifference, he will feel more risk. So every time you think playing stupid games will acheive something positive, think again. You are really screwing yourself in the end.
This is also why I spoke last time about needing to be his subordinate. If you're his superior (if you're older, smarter, more popular than him, etc.) and he feels intimidated, it increases his risk. The same is true for girls who flirt with other guys thinking jealousy will stir his passions. Sure he may get jealous -- but you're also increasing his risk. So ask yourself this question: do you want him to ask you out or do you want him to feel jealous? If you want him to ask, then stop the stupid games and work on minimizing his risk instead.
How do you minimize his risk? Simple. Give him reasons to think you're interested in him and give him indications you would say YES if he pops the question. The next article will go into this in greater depth, including things you can say word-for-word to minimize his risk.
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4. Minimizing his risk, Part II (August 6th)
We left off last time about needing to minimizing his risk.
After you've established a solid friendship with him, you must hint your interest to reduce his risk. I know what some of you are thinking. You cannot initiate interest because you're too shy or it's simply not your thing or you feel it's the guy's duty to initiate. LAME!! First of all, I'm not suggesting for you to ask him out, declare your love or something drastic. You just have to get off your butt and take a slight risk.
Once in a while...
- Purposely seek him out for interaction
- Saying hello or waving first
- Touch him briefly on the arm during conversation
- Giving him "that look"
- Laugh at his lame jokes
- Use your creativity for other obvious (yet subtle) signs of interest.
If something simple like this is too risky for you, don't complain about not going on dates . Without signs of interest, he doesn't know you're interested and this increases his risk. If having a healthy lovelife is important enough to you, you can overcome your shyness problem. This is not Korean dramas where the guy pursues the resistant shy girl. Stop living in the imaginary world or all you'll have is an imaginary boyfriend.
There are also verbal hints that express subtle interest without you having to take risks:
- "I really want to watch The Simpsons but all my friends have seen it".
- "There's this restaurant I've always wanted to try but I hate eating alone".
- "I hate that class because I hate studying by myself".
- "Sometimes, it wish I can go clothes shopping with a guy so I can get a guy's opinion".
Upon hearing these lines, most guys will get the hint that 1) you're interested and 2) you don't have a boyfriend. Eventually (and hopefully), he'll follow up by asking you out. If not (after repeated hints), he doesn't like you or he's a complete dork...both of which are reasons to stop wasting time on him.
Now, if a guy doesn't reciprocate your signs of interest, don't suddenly act aloof or cruel to him. And don't suddenly find another guy to flirt with. These kind of games are common female responses when her ego has been damaged. Trust me...girl games are easy to spot. No, it doesn't do anything productive. And yes, it makes you look completely stupid and psycho. Resist the urge no matter what. If he doesn't reciprociate, be a good sport and play it cool. The key is not allowing your ego and emotions to take over.
Besides, if you do something nice for him, it may take a while to sink in. Haven't you also felt this way when someone does something nice for you?
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5. Playing into female stereotypes (August 9th)
What personalties do guys like? Simple. Guys want girls to act like girls. Seems obvious enough, right? Not really...
http://www.atimes.com/atimes/China/IH09Ad02.html
The link above points to an article published with perfect timing for this post. In my home country of Hong Kong, there are far more unmarried women than unmarried men. Why? Because sooooo many Hong Kong guys are marrying women from China instead of local women in Hong Kong. This imbalance offers a compelling case study of what men really want. In short, they want women to be feminine and traditional. They're not just talking out of their ass. They're proving what they say with who they marry.
You would think this is obvious, that guys want girls to act like girls. Nope, not in our world where feminist crap encourages many women to behave like men. Hong Kong women are known to be assertive, aggressive, demanding, materialistic, etc. For displaying these masculine traits, they are being overlooked in massive numbers for dating and marriage. Do you want to be overlooked? If so, they're your perfect role models. Now, I'm not arguing for girls to be docile and subservient like those in China. There are cultural differences between here and there. But the underlying principle is clear: guys prefer girls to be feminine and traditional.
What does this mean for you? It means, to pique his interest, you must play into female stereotypes and do so with reckless enthuasism. I don't think it's possible for a girl to be too girly. Be romantic and affectionate. Show enthusiasm for family/church/etc. Show jealousy. Draw hearts on your folder. Be a bit of a subordinate. Conclude text messages with a smiley face. Have Hello Kitty stuff. Avoid masculine behavior like cussing or being assertive. Don't make sexual, gross, outrageous or controversial comments. Being "one of the guys" only look cool in movies. Being masculine will get you associated with the B word quick.
I know. Some of you will say "I should be myself and the guy should accept me for who I am". WAKE UP FROM YOUR BS! Because nobody is perfect, you have to change for him just as you hope he'd change for you. Everybody has to put on a bit of an act to survive in our crummy world.
In the dating world, it's sometimes preferable for guys to act less masculine...but it's rarely preferable for girls to act less feminine.
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6. A Tale of Two Worlds (August 10th)
Today, I invite you girls to make a choice. How you choose will determine how successful you'll be in the dating world. You must select living in the DREAM WORLD or the REAL WORLD. You cannot say "it depends" or "I'll select DREAM WORLD here and REAL WORLD there". It's all-or-none.
DREAM WORLD: A guy will love me for who I am.
REAL WORLD: I have to modify my character, within reason, to appeal to a guy.
DREAM WORLD: He must change for me.
REAL WORLD: We both must change for each other.
DREAM WORLD: A guy will have to prove himself worthy for me.
REAL WORLD: I must prove I'm worthy for him.
DREAM WORLD: He will find me.
REAL WORLD: I need to find him.
DREAM WORLD: Guys should stop being so childish, perverted and shallow.
REAL WORLD: Guys will always be guys.
DREAM WORLD: I want complete equality in my relationship.
REAL WORLD: Equality do not exist...never has and never will.
DREAM WORLD: Rejection is just horrible and something to avoid at all cost.
REAL WORLD: If I don't get rejected much, it means I haven't taken enough risk.
DREAM WORLD: I can have everything...family, friends, education, marriage, money, career...EVERYTHING!
REAL WORLD: I cannot have everything and must select the lesser of two evils.
DREAM WORLD: If it's meant to be, it's meant to be
REAL WORLD: Most things happen because of conscious effort.
DREAM WORLD: He pursues me because he thinks I'm the perfect girl.
REAL WORLD: He pursues me because I'm one of 35 girls he's interested at this time.
DREAM WORLD: Love is always romantic with a happy ending.
REAL WORLD: Love is mostly crap with some fleeting moments of happiness.
DREAM WORLD: I can become fat/ugly and he'll still love me.
REAL WORLD: I have to maintain my physical condition.
DREAM WORLD: Love is random, like a cupid shooting arrows blindly.
REAL WORLD: Love occurs when I take an initiative.
DREAM WORLD: If I complain about gender unfairness, people will listen and care.
REAL WORLD: If I complain about gender unfairness, it will mostly do no good.
DREAM WORLD: I want nothing but the perfect guy. I deserve it!
REAL WORLD: I must compromise some standards as perfect people do not exist.
DREAM WORLD: If I suffer from injustice and disrespect, I must always stand and fight.
REAL WORLD: Even if I suffer from injustice and disrespect, some things just aren't worth fighting for.
DREAM WORLD: What is right and fair will always prevail.
REAL WORLD: Life is never fair.
DREAM WORLD: JSBach is a male chauvinist pig and should STFU.
REAL WORLD: All guys and girls are chauvinistic people who harbor shallow gender stereotypes.
The choice is simple. Your odds of success with guys will increase if you choose the REAL WORLD. If remaining single is your thing or you're just not ready for dating, the DREAM WORLD is for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Why will you be more successful with guys in the REAL WORLD? Because living in the REAL WORLD, you accept that life is unfair and that you must take responsibility for your actions and failures. In the REAL WORLD, you also enjoy a sense of empowerment -- that you can make things happen, not rely on fate or the actions of others. In short, it means you're a person of action and logic, not reaction and superstition. And this is why you'll be more successful with guys.
There is nothing wrong with the DREAM WORLD. It's a prettier, fairer and warmer place. If I can live my life in my dreams, I'd do it. Unfortunately, the alarm clock eventually goes off and we must live our lives in this crummy corrupt world and find a way to fit in.
So which world do you choose?
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7. Getting him to develop an attachment to you (August 13th)
Having long conversations in-person is the most effective way for him to develop an emotional attachment to you. Now, before you say "DUH, I KNOW THAT", I don't think it's as obvious as many of you think....
When guys talk with other guys, they don't have intimate conversations. They usually talk about school, work, sports, girls, cars, sex, etc. They rarely discuss their passions, their dreams, their fears, their insecurites...you know, the "deep stuff". That's just how guys are.
Here's where you come in. Girls are usually better listeners and enjoy talking about "deep stuff". Since guys don't get to talk about these topics often, it's a rare treat when the opportunity arises. And since it's rare, he will naturally develop an emotional attachment to whoever partakes in this exercise with him.
The problem is, most girls are so busy blabbering about themselves that the guy rarely gets to talk about himself. I know some of you girls will attack me for saying that. But cut the BS -- you know it's true. That's unfortunate because having a one-sided conversation means you've both lost an opportunity. He lost an opportunity to talk about "deep stuff" and you've lost an opportunity for him to develop an emotional attachment to you.
I propose that you do the 60-40 rule. 60% of the conversation is about you and 40% of the conversation is about him. If he doesn't volunteer his 40%, you STOP TALKING and demand he talk about himself. Don't think just because he seems interested, it's OK for you to continue yaking about yourself. No matter how interesting you think you are, you're not interesting enough for him to tolerate a one-sided discussion. He's only being polite.
And don't just have him talk about himself. It has to be a deeper discussion:
"So, tell me something about yourself" (A girl I used to date would always say this out-of-the-blue which I always found endearing)
"So how did you feel when <name>?"
"What are you thinking about right now?"
"How come you seem so <happy> lately?"
By asking these kinds of questions, you're 1) hinting your interest and 2) you're inviting him to have a "deep stuff" conversation. These aren't questions normal friends casually ask each other.
By the way, this should be done in-person. There is an undeniable bonding effect when two people spend time together. Don't think you can do it as effectively over the phone or online chat. While "talking", you don't know if he's also playing with his PSP or surfing internet porn.
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8. The dangers of making assumptions (August 15th)
I'm sorry, but the lamest threads on this forum are the "Does he like me" threads. I know during courtship, you're itching to know if he sees you as a potential girlfriend. But without a confession, you will never know for certain. Even with a confession, you won't know if he would feel the same tomorrow or if he's even telling the truth. Sorry, uncertainty is a fact of life.
However, the greater danger in making assumptions isn't that you might be wrong. It's OK to be wrong and it's OK to waste time. The greater danger lies in having those assumptions affect how you pursue him.
To illustrate, let's examine five types of assumptions girls make:
He doesn't like you
He doesn't like you now but he might tomorrow
He likes you
He likes you but he likes someone else more
He likes you now but he might not tomorrow
Assumption #1, #3 and #4 are dangerous because it will affect your behavior towards him. If you assume #1, you might surrender prematurely. If you assume #3, you risk being overconfident and feel you don't have to try so hard. If you assume #4, you may be discouraged from competing. All three assumptions lead you to behaving less than your very best.
The truth is, you should always be at your best no matter what. It's like studying for a test. You shouldn't assume whether the test will be hard or easy. The best strategy is simply to study your hardest. The same goes in how you pursue this guy. If you think you already know how he feels, it might give you an impetus to slack off or stray from the optimal strategy. Relying on an assumption is even more tragic consider they're often wrong or irrelevant.
The good assumptions to make are #2 or #5. These are conditional assumptions. You assume you are responsible for the outcome and that things can change. If you truly believe this, it will encourage you to always try your best and to be on your toes.
So remember:
You pursue your best strategy with him regardless of how you think he feels about you.
If you can't help making an assumption, don't let it cause you to stray from your strategy.
You should only quit when it becomes clear, after repeated attempts, that he doesn't like you.
I know this article won't stop anyone from making assumptions. The quest for certainty is human nature. But I hope it encourages you to trust your assumptions less and to rely on your actions more.
By the way, this article also applies to guys pursuing girls.
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9. Demonstrating loyalty (August 18th)
What do guys want in a girl? It's freaking simple:
BEAUTY - She's pretty enough
PERSONALITY - She's sweet enough
LOYALTY - She's loyal enough
That's it. Most guys don't care how popular you are, what car you drive, how much money you earn, how educated you are, etc. So stop obsessing over "what do guys want". It's right there...in three little words. Guys are indeed very simple creatures when it comes to love.
So far, we talked about the BEAUTY factor in articles #0 and #1. The rest covered the PERSONALITY factor. This article, we talk about the LOYALTY factor. It will be the only article on LOYALTY.
In discussing the concept of loyalty during courtship, we find a horrible double standard. If a guy flirts/dates a lot, he's seen as a player, pimp, stud, "da man", etc. All of which are positive and endearing labels. Not only that, but girls are fascinated by playerish guys. You and I know that's mostly true.
However, if a girl flirts/dates a lot, she's considered slutty, loose, easy or a tease. Not good. Society clearly assigns a lower value to girls who are playerish. This is an unfair double standard -- but one you need to live with.
To increase your chances of success with guys, your job is to demonstrate loyalty. So how do you demonstrate loyalty? You do this by making him feel you're only interested in him at the moment. That also means, you keep your flirting with other guys at a minimum. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with flirting/dating many guys at once. Just ensure he doesn't know you're doing it!
Now, since playerish guys tend to attract girls, why can't girls do the same to attract guys? Because as I wrote earlier, guys don't care how popular you are. Since popularity is a non-factor for him, acting like a player gets you no benefit. You only endure the downside of being labelled "slutty", "loose" or whatever. So weight the pros and cons and you'll realize that, for girls, it makes no sense having the reputation of being a player.
I know demonstrating loyalty during courtship puts yourself at risk for rejection and embarassment. Unfortunately, that's a risk you need to take. Let's go back to the three traits at the beginning of the article. BEAUTY is not rare. Cute girls are a dime a dozen. PERSONALITY is a bit rarer -- although still common. But LOYALTY? Now you're hitting one out of the ballpark! Not many girls have the confidence and nerves to do it. I'm not saying he'll fall in love with you based on loyalty alone. But if you have the balls to demonstrate some, you'll be someone who soars above the crowd.
I've noticed that when guys think back about "that girl who got away", it is usually her LOYALTY he remembers most.
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10. Comparing the strategies between this thread and the other (August 19th)
Today, we will compare this thread to my other thread I had written for guys.
http://asianfanatics.net/forum/index.ph ... pic=404986
TWELVE COMMON MISTAKES GUY DO TO SCREW UP WITH GIRLS
On this thread, I had listed twelve common mistakes that guys do to screw up with girls. If it's a mistake for guys, is it also a mistake for girls? Let's compare:
1. Always "being there" on the phone
YES, IT APPLIES. For the same reasoning. Contrary to what you think, the amount of time you spend on the phone with him has nothing to do with how much he feels for you romantically. Instead of yaking on the phone constantly, find a way to spend the time in-person instead.
2. Saying the perfect things to her
NO, IT DOES NOT APPLY. First of all, this concept is moot. Girls usually don't constantly tell a guy how cute he is or say other super sweet things. So this concept does not apply. But as a girl, you do have to demonstrate sweetness -- so there are benefits (and little cost) to saying perfect things. Being a sweetheart is after all a feminine trait -- and I stressed how important it was for you to play into female stereotypes.
3. Being unwilling to walk away
YES, IT APPLIES. For the same reasoning. Being ultra-clingy is never good, whether you're the guy or girl (although it's worse for the guy to be clingy).
4. When a girl flakes on a date, you ask to reschedule
YES, IT APPLIES. For the same reasoning. Although it's the girl who usualy flakes.
5. Being too romantic
NO, IT DOES NOT APPLY. Being romantic is a feminine trait -- and I stressed how important it was for you to play into female stereotypes.
6. Revealing too much information about yourself
YES, IT APPLIES. For similar reasoning. Most girls talk too much about themselves which makes her seem egotistical and dull. And talking too much means you risk revealing something negative. Remember the 60-40 rule I had proposed on article #7.
7. Waiting too long to ask her out
NO, IT DOES NOT APPLY. Most girls don't ask guys out...so this is a moot concept.
8 - Confessing your feelings
YES, IT APPLIES. For the same reasoning. The benefits to a confession does not outweight the overwhelming costs.
9. Failure to initiate touching
YES, IT APPLIES. For the same reasoning. Although most girls already understand the value of touching. So in a way, this concept is also moot.
10. Pursuing her when she's losing interest
YES, IT APPLIES. For the same reasoning. Although I think most girls give up prematurely. So make sure he has demonstrated absolute lack of interest before you quit the game.
11. When she walks by, you always give her your fullest attention
NO, IT DOES NOT APPLY. Your job is to give him confidence to ask you out. If you play girl games like ignoring him or flirting with other guys in his presense, you increase his risk and decrease the chances of him asking you out. Playing hard to get works only for guys, not you girls. Sorry.
12. You do not believe in yourself
We'll be talking about this concept in the next article.